Trainwrecks: Take A Stand! (And, Make Some Eggs)

trainwreckThe world has officially become Bizarro.  At least to me anyway, regarding women and sex.  Recently, I was listening to an intriguing interview on The Howard Stern radio show with comedian Amy Schumer discussing her casual hook ups. It left me flabbergasted. And, not the reason you may think. I found the details and her comfort talking about her sexcapades, which her new movie Trainwreck  (see photo above) is loosely based on, fascinating. BUT it was the reaction from Howard and other male callers from the show that was most astonishing. They DIDN’T seem disgusted. They wanted to know more!one night stand girl

Women have been getting their freak on more noticeably than ever, whether they are post high school, post college, or even residing in assisted living (more than half of men over age 60 and 40 percent of women, remain sexually active).

SPOILER ALERT: Being a mid forty something, crafting my point via experience will probably risk revolting three-quarters of my friends, colleagues, and, most of all, my 21-year old son. However, becoming a subject of controversy is on my bucket list. So screw it. (pun, ha!)

My experience four score and a million years ago (late 80s and 90s) was about the same as Miss Schumer’s. Entering college was a step in the right direction for academia. But, the opportunity to meet boys and fool around without monitoring and judgment was SAWEEET!

God forbid you hooked up more than once. That would qualify a Scarlet Letter for the rest of your academic years and a personal bell ringing nun to accompany your Walks of Shame.

Much to my chagrin, Judge Judys seem to prefer campus life as well. And, despite having no experience and looking to do what “everybody’s doing”,  it became quickly apparent that a girl found out to have had a one night stand or first date hook up was indeed a slut. God forbid you hooked up more than once. That would qualify a Scarlet Letter for the rest of your academic years and a personal bell ringing nun to accompany your Walks of Shame. All college girls were to remain vestal virgins and EVERY guy on campus were only seeking girlfriends. To marry. And have babies. Duly noted.

Post grad, dating in the 90s? No picnic either. I had an ex tell me years into our relationship…on our first date anniversary…after I lovingly described our first meet cute as the best day ever and how sexy he looked in his jeans…he would have never ask me on a second date if we hooked up on our first. (And I SO wanted to! Slut!)

So there you have it. The politically correct, Reality Bites generation believed women wanting sex were whores and party girls were considered to have “gone wild”. Wait a minute. Didn’t Monica on Friends admit to sleeping with more than one guy to hot boyfriend Richard? And, did you ever notice the difference between the hook ups of Sex in the City‘s vintage trainwrecks Carrie and Samantha? Carrie’s conquests were romanticized with deep parables compared to promiscuous Samantha’s bumbling portrayals of sex scenes gone terribly wrong. (They eventually went all Mary Magdalene on Samantha. She got cancer, fell in love, and became monogamous.)

Fast forward to the millennium. The Tender Age of Tinder. Although studies still reveal that the majority of women prefer to be in long-term relationships, they make up 45 percent of Tinder (the fastest-growing free dating app) users. They use it the same way as men. To hook up. Period. (SLUTS?)

Men and women in the same arena playing the field and more proficient with technology, have created an avalanche of Snapchat nudes, sexting and dick pics from non pros leaving nothing to the imagination for anyone to be coy. One of the most popular celebrities in the world is best known for her stint in a sex tape.  (BT dubs, Kim K. and that guy who’s not Kanye got nothing on Pam and Tommy Lee.)

BUT, should women, young and old and getting it on, follow Spidey’s Uncle Ben’s mantra…”with great power comes great responsibility.”

Even I, a self-proclaimed trainwreck, can recognize TMI and overkill…making it no surprise that STD’s have increased these past several years. This includes the elderly. (Pappy and Nunna need to add rubbers to their monthly Viagra and Flomax prescriptions.) And, there are plenty of studies and alarmist views that suggest psychological baggage with hook ups may have a lasting impact REGARDLESS of committing to a noncommittal lifestyle.

So are women REALLY genetically predisposed to have ONLY emotional connections with our partners? And, has the theory that we’ve been evolutionarily programmed to avoid relationships with no future in order to survive society been debunked? Can I now come out of the closet?

My name is Colleen. I’ve had sex more than once. Some of them have been one night stands. (crickets chirping)

My portfolio and experience are probably more interesting to just me and my millions of conquests. (Take that Wilt!)  But, again, I find this culture of women in roles traditionally slated for men compelling.

Casual sex will continue be the norm for the current generation to express and satisfy their sexuality. And, Gram Gram and Pap Pap ain’t gettin’ any younger. Hook ups in general for everyone, straight and LGBT shouldn’t be damned by any means, if done safely. So have fun with it!

Check out Men’s Fitness Dos and Don’ts and Cosmopolitan Survival Guide for shits and giggles. And, if it goes well, make some damn breakfast to celebrate the afterglow! Together or you alone on your couch.

Who knows? A one night stand could become a four and half-year stand…and counting. Choo! Choo!

Just In Case Grocery List (for those not living in dorms or shitholes)

English Muffins (I’d stay FAR away from non Celiac gluten free partners…Assholes.)
Fresh Herbs (chives, parsley)
Bacon (Thick cut…how you doin?)
Cured Meat (Canadian bacon, prosciutto)
Artisan Cheeses (Gouda, Swiss )
Fresh fruit (strawberries, blueberries, pineapple slices)
OJ or Oranges, if you have a juicer
Bottle of Prosecco
Greek Yogurt
Granola Bars

cheesy-eggs-benedict-15491Stand Up and Celebrate, Bitches! Breakfast Menu

I'll Text You Later Babes Benedict
two fried eggs and cured ham atop an English muffin 
with sprinkle of grated or a slice of cheese on top or bottom (get it!)
I Gotta Scram "Scramble"
Eggs, splash of heavy cream, salt, pepper, whipped and scrambled 
and topped with a herb sprinkle...preferably chives
Damn Your Good Maple Bacon
Bake or Fry bacon, drizzle with syrup, black pepper grinds

Nice Moves Mimosas
Prosecco, OJ, and splash of pineapple juice

Don't Go! Granola and Yogurt Parfait
Greek or whatever yogurt topped with crushed granola bar and fresh fruit

Get Out! Granola Bars
ummm...Nature Valley?

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